5 Tricks People are Using to Manipulate You

6 if you count using clickbait titles!

What do babies, police officers, wolves, and unsupportive partners have in common? None of them use words as their primary way to convince others to do things. In fact, our Emotional Brain doesn’t really care about words. This means, as long as nothing stands out enough that your Logical Brain flags it, others can use small tricks to take advantage of your Emotional Brain. Marriage therapy can help partners recognize these tricks from their partner, potentially flagging unhealthy relationships. At the same time, however, some of us just naturally use more persuasive techniques, speaking more directly to others Emotional Brains. That doesn’t mean we’re trying to be abusive or anything, but does mean we should be aware of these tricks when using them.

Babies can’t communicate much. In fact, they can’t really do much for you other than be adorable. With that in mind, our first trick is Simple. The Emotional Brain gets overwhelmed pretty quickly by complicated things – that’s why babies don’t do complicated things. All they really need to do is cry and make some sounds for you to recognize they need help. In line with this, a healthy relationship should feel like you can talk about deeper things. Being able to flesh out your complicated thoughts and feelings gives you space to be your whole self; a partner constantly dismissing your internal world denies you this space. This can limit your ability to grow both as a person and as a partner.

How often do you hear a baby talk about how much your experience matters to them? The Logical Brain wants to hear all about benefits: how much money will I get from this, will I feel better after that, etc. The Emotional Brain automatically trusts people more when they’re open about doing things for themselves. That doesn’t mean we want people to be selfish, just that we trust people more when they own up to their selfishness instead of hiding it. Babies…don’t hide much. When a baby needs food, they let you know they need milk. There’s no attempt at convincing you it’s a good deal for you (other than stopping the crying), it’s for them. Likewise, you may find your partner joking often about how they do things for themselves. As a joke, that can be perfectly fine and fun to banter about. In reality, however, partners need to feel supported by one another and as though their worlds are both respected. This one may come across as gaslighting, challenging your own understanding of reality, maybe even explicitly telling you that you’re crazy for seeing things a certain way. Both your worlds matter; it’s important your relationship cares about both sides.

Ever see a movie where someone gets interrogated? Early in human history, people holding others captive often seemed hateful and mean. This, however, allows the captive to build hatred toward their captor. When the captor instead seems nice, offering drinks, asking about feelings, etc, the captive suddenly faces massive confusion. Their Logical Brain recognizes the dangers of their situation and the negative things their captor does to them, but their Emotional Brain sees someone being nice, despite the mean things that may happen during their captivity. Stockholm Syndrome develops when a captive starts to feel a sense of loyalty toward their captor, making escape seem like a disrespectful thing to do. Likewise, unhealthy relationships often go through cycles of intense disrespect, followed by strong compassion and love. A husband who beat his wife one night might bring her flowers the next day, promising never to do it again. The wife’s Logical Brain recognizes him as a man who beat her the night before, but the Emotional Brain sees someone being kind, bringing flowers, and promising change. As previously discussed, the Emotional Brain is stronger than the Logical Brain, often leaving women in these relationships struggling for years before something helps them escape.

It costs a lot for wolves to fight each other. If they actually needed to figure out who was the strongest wolf in order to have an alpha, wolves would brawl constantly. Without medical care, this would lead to a lot of dead wolves. As such, wolves need a way to fight for dominance without actually fighting. Confidence allows wolves to show their strength without actually injuring others or risking injury to themselves. While there’s nothing wrong with feeling confident, it’s important to recognize that projecting confidence forms the backbone of most manipulation. Con artists, politicians, even people trying to convince you they’re doing well when they’re not will try to show massive amounts of confidence. Our Emotional Brain wants to trust confident people, feeling they know what we should do. In relationships, this can feel as though your partner is looking down on you. After all, if they are confident in their choices and views all the time, why would yours matter? It’s important to recognize our need for one another. If your partner doesn’t respect your choices or views, that’s a flag your relationship needs work.

Our final tool is Empathy. Here, I’m not talking about actually respecting another person’s world – that type of empathy is extremely important. No, I’m talking about tactical empathy. That’s a term from hostage negotiation in which the negotiator convinces the dangerous individual they both exist in the same mental space, with the negotiator working hard to understand their hostage taker. In a relationship, both of your worlds matter. If you don’t understand your partner, or they seem emotionally shut down all the time, your relationship would benefit from marriage therapy. In this relationship, your partner may seem to only care about your world, saying they don’t have an opinion on many things, or don’t seem to care about much in general. This puts a lot of pressure on you, forcing you to decide what’s important for both of you. Tactical empathy can be used intentionally, as with hostage negotiators, or unintentionally, as with emotionally shutdown partners. Either way, it does not indicate a healthy, equal relationship.

Simple, Perceived Self-Interest, Incongruity, Confidence, Empathy (SPICE). These tools allow people to speak directly to your Emotional Brain, which can quickly overwhelm your Logical Brain. None of them are inherently evil or even malicious, but their power means we need to notice when they are used. If any of these stood out to you or seemed familiar from your relationship, feel free to reach out to me to schedule a marriage therapy session. You and your partner can learn healthier ways to communicate and respect each others’ worlds. You can feel respected and valued in your relationship.