We dance with our partners when dating. We feel each others’ rhythms, responding to them even as they respond to us. Our bodies and our minds work together to create harmonious, beautiful moments, where we both feel alive. In an ideal relationship, we’re always on beat. We hear the music and move accordingly. Our partners feel our patterns and match us, inviting us to do the same. In a perfect relationship, we accept this invitation. Our dance reflects this magic, showing the world our love.
The ideal relationship doesn’t exist, however. In reality, we fall out of synch with our partners. Sometimes, life screams at us so loudly we cannot hear the music. We stumble over our own feet, potentially taking our partner with us. Our partner, meanwhile, can’t hear the music either. The dance loses its magic, with both partners trying desperately to figure out what just happened. We try to grab each other, try to hold on, but it doesn’t feel the same. The magic has passed, the moment died. Our dance feels over.
Then we start a new dance. Our original dance felt like a tango, our bodies and minds moving together to paint a beautiful relationship. This new dance, lacking our original music, feels very different. Now, we do not feel the magic, but still look for that connection with our partners. We still reach out, but now they don’t respond in perfect synchronization with us. We’ve lost our tango.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to talk about some of these new dances. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we have identified three types of dances couples start after their tango ends. This blog will focus on the first and most common of these dances. The Protest Polka.
The Protest Polka
In The Protest Polka, you and your partner feel the lack of connection, but respond to it very differently. You might feel isolated from your dance partner, craving that sense of belonging and connection. As you push for it, however, they seem to pull even further away. Sensing this increased distance and now feeling rejected, you might lash out, desperately hoping they hear your plea for connection. This continues for a while, your dance slowly falling apart around you. After long enough, it seems you could say pretty much anything and they’ll interpret it as a criticism. This is frustrating and leaves you feeling criticized yourself just for doing what you can to save your relationship. The very act of asking for a dance partner starts to feel wrong. You shouldn’t have to demand a dance from your partner, much less get angry in order to be heard.
Meanwhile, your partner continues to pull away. In their mind, this lack of connection means they aren’t a good dance partner. Trying to dance with you just means they’ll reveal to you how bad they are. With that in mind, they hide their perceived lack of dance skills from you, terrified you’ll truly see them. When you approach them, desperate for your partner back, they run through all the things they might say or do wrong. It is better, they might think, to run and hide from you than to risk stepping on your feet. Over time, even a normal request for change might trigger this fear. How can your partner know if a small request symbolizes much larger criticisms? They begin to retreat from even your smallest bids, keeping your new dance going.
What do I do?
A dance only works when each partner feels confident in their steps. That doesn’t mean knowing you will always respond correctly to your partner’s movements or always hear the right beat. That does mean you want to grow and feel safe enough to try. Our polka starts when the dance becomes a series of reactions, rather than a true dance between equals.
Returning the magic to your dance requires two main steps. First, you must figure out how to ask for a better dance while helping your partner avoid feeling criticized. This can be tricky, considering they’ve potentially spent years reacting to smaller and smaller signs of judgement. They might be really scared to show you their current dance skills. In order to address this, you have to ask for your partner back in a very safe, accepting way.
Meanwhile, your partner must return to the dance. They must accept their mistakes and trust you can keep them safe when dancing. This requires facing their fear over your reaction and truly engaging with you. In order to make this happen, it must actually be safe for them to return to the dance. If they trust you and still feel judged, it just reinforces the polka. The tango gets even further away.
If this conversation seems intimidating, I can help. My training means I can help both of you engage more meaningfully, more intentionally, with one another. In therapy, we can slow things down, working through the reactions you and your partner have developed toward one another. Our therapy can bring hope back to your relationship. Our therapy can bring the magic back to your dance.