Dating is a Dance, Part 2

We learn many different dances throughout our lives. In a perfect relationship, we master the tango. Our bodies and minds flow with our partner’s, creating connection and closeness. These patterns take form in our brains, shaping how we treat those we love. If you came from a loving family, your brain already knows many of the right patterns. It recognizes love from others and can feel safe. This allows you to let your guard down, bonding with those you treasure.

If you didn’t come from a safe, loving background, your brain learned other patterns. If you couldn’t feel safe around loved ones in your life, how could your brain suddenly learn to trust and feel loved? Trusting brains don’t develop on their own. We are social creatures and need safe connections to create trusting patterns in our brains. Unfortunately, our partners also come from imperfect backgrounds. They also learn ways to keep themselves safe, patterns that stick with them into adulthood.

When your partner responds to you protectively, using a system that has kept them safe through hardships, you might feel unheard. Their protective response suddenly pulled them into their own world, away from the tango you both crave. When this happens, your brain likely follows suit, sensing the tango’s loss. It starts to feel unsafe, unheard, and responds with your own patterns. This creates a new dance, one without the tango’s intimate connection. In this second blog post, I’ll tell you about another of these reactive dances. The Your Fault Foxtrot.

The Your Fault Foxtrot

While the Protest Polka has one partner pushing for connection and the other partner feeling overwhelmed, both partners push in the Your Fault Foxtrot. Here, both partners feel overwhelmed with their own worlds. This means both partners largely feel unheard in conversations, making an “I understand where you’re coming from,” approach all but impossible. In this dance, both dancers claim their partner can’t hear the beat. If we’re out of synch, it must be your fault. Just listen to the music. Try harder. Pay attention. Arguments quickly blow up, turning heated as we look at details. You did this; I didn’t do that. We can’t possibly move toward feelings, much less vulnerable feelings, when we’re stuck in who did what.

When stuck in the details, conversation quickly gets bogged down. Entire arguments might be spent figuring out who started yelling first. Our dance consists of pointing fingers and feeling blamed, neither of which allow you and your partner to feel close and connected. For that matter, neither of you can feel safe in this environment. How can you possibly talk about what you did wrong – or what hurt you – when your partner immediately tells you to do better?

This dance becomes repetitive. With neither of you able to talk about what hurts you or what you did wrong, the only option is to blame. I can’t talk about my mistakes, so let’s focus on what you did wrong. You can’t talk about what you did wrong, however, so you tell me about my own mistakes. We both quickly get heated, focusing on who did what and moving further and further away from vulnerable connection.

What do I do?

Conversation needs to slow down. Details move quickly, even while going nowhere. Honestly however, the details don’t often matter. In fact, our brains aren’t even good at remembering details. We can, however, remember how we felt when something hurt us. That’s the important part when talking with your partner. In a tango, you could both discuss your hurts and feel safe enough to comfort each other. In a perfect relationship, you’d both feel safe discussing your pains and needs without fear of judgement.

No relationship is perfect, however. Conversation needs to slow down, as do your expectations. Change doesn’t happen quickly, but it can happen. The first step to correcting a Your Fault Foxtrot requires acknowledging you and your partner will likely never agree on the details. Once you can move past that repetitive part of the conversation, you can both feel more space to talk about your own hurts. Over time, talking about your hurts openly and honestly gives your partner space to see their mistakes for themselves. Our brains shut down when we feel attacked, but we can often correct our own mistakes given the safety and freedom to do so.

If this conversation sounds overwhelming to you, feel free to connect with me for couple therapy. You and your partner may be able to break out of the Your Fault Foxtrot, but doing so requires patience and understanding that likely feels impossible at this point. My training helps me slow down the conversation, moving both of you away from the details and blame. From there, you can feel safer discussing your hurts and hopes. Given that space, it is possible to change your dance. You and your partner can learn to tango.