Relationships use several different kinds of dances. In my previous blogs, I’ve discussed most of these. We started with the tango, a closely connected dance of responsive partners. Next, we looked at the Protest Polka, a dance wherein one partner pushes for connection and the other partner pulls away. Finally, we looked at the Your Fault Foxtrot, where both partners push for connection, but do so aggressively.
Notably, any of these dances can get more exaggerated over time. Our brains categorize things as “dangerous” quickly, flagging different experiences as life threatening. At the beginning of a relationship, we bring in our pre-existing biases, putting them on our partners. The way my partner brings up money might remind me of how my parents argued about it. Talking about sex might remind me of a previous partner who shamed my sexuality. While we will bring these pieces into the relationship, we don’t necessarily have to keep them. In most relationships, however, our brains find ways to validate our fear. Maybe my partner once yelled at me about how we raise children. In that case, I might start shutting down anytime they try even bringing up the kids. Our relationship has stopped being a healthy tango and become a reactive dance.
In this blog, we’ll look at the last of these dances. A dance wherein both partners avoid making things worse, paralyzed by the fear they’ll ruin something precious to them. Both partners quickly pick up on disconnection, seeing it as incredibly dangerous. In response, they each shut down, afraid to push their partner even further away. Today, we’re looking at the Two Lane Linedance.
The Two Lane Linedance
In the Two Lane Linedance, both partners’ brains have found enough dangerous situations to make the relationship itself dangerous. That doesn’t mean you want the relationship to end, however. You can be unhappy in your relationship and still want it to get better. The pain comes from wanting closeness, craving connection, but feeling distant and lonely instead. While you would love to feel closer, however, you may find your brain has flagged so many situations and conversations as dangerous that you cannot discuss much of anything. You’ve moved into a flight or freeze part of the dance.
Here, you and your partner still need to feel able to discuss important relationship matters. Your partnership lacks connection, but also the ability to talk about that connection. Trying to talk about anything puts you both into a hopeless panic, feeling there’s no point in even trying to sort things out anymore. You shut down. Your partner shuts down. You both part ways, living together but feeling lonely. Sleeping in the same bed, but feeling totally alone.
This only gets worse over time. A bad experience of snakes as a child can lead to a deep seeded fear of snakes. This leads to avoiding snakes, which in turn makes the fear worse. The same holds true here for conversations with your partner. As you avoid talking, your brain only remembers the bad conversations – and the pain that came with them. You both feel so separate from one another and powerless to even bring it up. Trapped in your loneliness.
What do I do?
It can feel hard to talk with your partner once the passion has died. Without this fire, you can both feel cold and powerless to start a conversation about change. You can lose track of what relationship you even want. When this happens, you need to start conversations very carefully. Your partners brain, and your brain, will pick up on any small challenges as dangerously threatening to the relationship. To prepare for this, you have to feel very relaxed before the conversation even begins. Do some self care – take a warm bath, go for a walk, or whatever you need to do. It’s important to feel prepared for your brain to flare up, allowing you to feel safe when your partner does something you’ve previously flagged.
With your own mind centered, you can move your focus to your partner. You can ask them to hear you out, knowing they will likely feel threatened by the conversation you both desperately need to have. Lead with this. Even saying something like, “Hey honey, I want to talk about us. I know it can be hard, so I just want you to know I love you and care about you.” Starting with this can help both of you feel as close and connected as possible as the conversation starts. At that point, take things slowly. Very slowly. You’re both so used to taking small things as challenging, you have to feel prepared for flags in this conversation.
This conversation might just be the most difficult of all the dances we’ve discussed so far. You have to feel safe, as does your partner, to even start fixing things. If that seems like too much, if it seems like there are just too many flags making things too hard, feel free to reach out to me. Using Emotionally Focused Therapy, I can help you and your partner feel safe during this conversation. We can take things slowly and help you find the passion in your dance. You and your partner can learn to dance together instead of keeping up your Two Lane Linedance.