Balancing Love and Parenting: Your Relationship After Baby

The Challenge of Becoming New Parents

Becoming a parent is a thrilling yet challenging journey. While there’s joy in holding your little one, many couples find it tough to stay connected as partners. Why? It’s not just sleepless nights or diaper changes. The answer often lies deep within us: our attachment styles. Understanding these styles can be the key to a stronger bond between partners during the roller-coaster ride of new parenthood.

Understanding Attachment: The Heartfelt Bonds That Shape Our Love Lives

Before we tackle the big stuff, let’s understand the basics. Attachment styles are patterns of how we relate to others, especially close loved ones. They form in childhood, based on our relationship with our primary caregivers. There are three main styles:

  1. Secure Attachment: If as a child you felt safe and understood, you likely have a secure attachment style. You’re comfortable with intimacy and independence.
  2. Anxious Attachment: If you were unsure if your caregivers would be there for you, you might have developed an anxious style. You might fear abandonment or need constant reassurance.
  3. Avoidant Attachment: If you felt rejected or overlooked as a child, you may lean towards an avoidant style. You might struggle with closeness and depend on your independence.

When Love Meets Parenthood: How Attachment Styles Play Out in Your Relationship

When two people become parents, their attachment styles can collide or mesh in unique ways. Here’s how:

  1. Secure + Secure: These couples often find it easier to support each other. They communicate well and can balance parenthood and partnership.
  2. Secure + Anxious: The secure partner often reassures the anxious one. Challenges arise if the anxious partner feels overwhelmed and the secure partner feels they can’t provide enough reassurance.
  3. Secure + Avoidant: The secure partner might feel pushed away by the avoidant partner’s need for space. Finding a balance is key.
  4. Anxious + Anxious: Both partners might constantly seek reassurance, which can become draining. The stress of new parenthood can intensify these feelings.
  5. Anxious + Avoidant: This combo can be tricky. While one partner seeks closeness, the other pulls away. This push-pull can amplify under parenting pressures.
  6. Avoidant + Avoidant: These couples might struggle with deep emotional connection, focusing solely on tasks. Intimacy might take a backseat.

Mending the Heart: Actionable Steps to Rekindle Love Amidst Parenting Challenges

Knowing your styles is one thing. Making them work together is another. Here’s how to strengthen your bond:

  1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: It’s cliché but true. Talk about your feelings, worries, and needs. Understand each other’s styles and triggers.
  2. Seek Balance: If one partner needs reassurance and the other needs space, find a middle ground. It’s about mutual respect.
  3. Flexibility: Sometimes, shift your behavior for the sake of the relationship. It doesn’t mean changing who you are but adapting for a better connection.
  4. Support: Parenthood is hard. Offer help, understanding, and a listening ear. Teamwork makes the dream work!
  5. Seek External Support: If things get tough, consider couples therapy. An expert can provide tools and insights tailored to your unique blend of attachment styles.

The Heart’s Ripple Effect: Why Your Relationship Health Matters for Your Child

Understanding and navigating attachment styles isn’t just for your benefit as a couple. A stable, loving relationship provides a nurturing environment for your child. When parents connect deeply, children learn about trust, love, and emotional balance.

Plus, when you and your partner are on the same page, parenting challenges become easier to tackle. Whether it’s sleep training or choosing a school, united parents are more effective and less stressed.

Navigating the Heartfelt Journey of Love and Parenting Together

Becoming new parents is a transformative experience. While it comes with challenges, understanding the role of attachment styles can be a game-changer. By recognizing your patterns and working together, you can nurture your bond and provide the best for your little one.

Remember, it’s not about being perfect but about growing, understanding, and loving each other every step of the way.

If you found this blog post helpful and want more insights into improving your relationship, especially during major life transitions, consider scheduling a session with me or exploring other resources on this site.

Unlocking Emotional Richness: Understanding Your Feelings and Emotions

Are you feeling trapped in a cycle of anger or numbness, unable to fully experience the richness of emotions that life offers? Many individuals, particularly men, find themselves caught in this struggle, limiting their emotional range and missing out on the joys of life. In this blog post, we will explore how emotions work, why some people may only experience anger, and most importantly, how to broaden your emotional horizons to lead a more fulfilling life.

How Emotions Work

Understanding the way emotions function can provide valuable insights into why we may feel stuck in a limited emotional spectrum. Emotions follow a four-phase process:

  1. Sensory Input: Our minds receive sensory input from the world around us, such as a sudden movement, a sharp sensation, or an intrusive thought.
  2. Meaning Making: We interpret this input and assign meaning to it. For instance, a fast movement might be perceived as a mouse, a sharp pinch may indicate a bug, or an intrusive thought could lead us to believe that we are unlovable.
  3. Physiological Reaction: Our bodies respond to the meaning we have assigned to the sensory input. It could be a surge of energy to catch the mouse or a drain of energy due to negative thoughts.
  4. Call to Action: We experience an urge or desire to act in response to the physiological reaction. For example, we might feel motivated to catch the mouse or inclined to withdraw due to feelings of shame.

Feeling Stuck in Anger

Why do some individuals seem to only experience anger and struggle to identify other emotions? The key lies in having a concrete concept for each emotion. Without this framework, it becomes challenging to fully experience and understand a diverse range of emotions. Often, many individuals, particularly men, have limited language to describe their feelings, relying on vague terms like “uncomfortable,” “upset,” “frustrated,” or simply “bad.”

This lack of emotional vocabulary deprives them of the richness of emotions they could otherwise experience. Over time, ignoring emotions can even diminish our ability to recognize triggers and physical signals, further reinforcing the cycle of anger or emotional numbness.

Embracing Emotional Richness

Breaking free from this emotional cycle takes time and effort, but it is possible with the right approach. Two therapeutic methods can be beneficial in this process:

  1. Top-Down Approach: Begin by examining the call to action (how you feel compelled to react) and then work backward to identify the trigger and the meaning you assigned to it. This approach helps you consciously develop a more nuanced concept of your emotions. Try asking yourself questions like, “What about this situation makes me uncomfortable? What do I feel compelled to do? What meaning did my brain give to this trigger?” By recognizing the link between the trigger and meaning, you can challenge and reshape your emotional responses.
  2. Bottom-Up Approach: This method focuses on recognizing physical reactions and expanding your emotional vocabulary. Instead of limiting your feelings to “good” or “bad,” pay attention to various physical responses your body has to different stimuli. This practice allows you to differentiate between emotions and forms the basis for developing a broader emotional concept. The more nuanced your understanding of your body’s physical sensations, the more nuanced your understanding of your brains emotions.

Conclusion

Feeling stuck in anger or emotional numbness is a common struggle, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. Understanding how emotions work and expanding your emotional vocabulary can unlock the richness of feelings that life has to offer. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and allow yourself to experience a more diverse range of emotions, leading to a happier and more fulfilling life. Remember, every part of your body’s reaction does not indicate anger, and by embracing emotional richness, you can find a deeper connection to yourself and those around you.

Words You Should Know – Sisu

Pronounced “See – Sue”

In the face of a huge threat or challenge, you might find yourself panicking, scrambling for the right answer. Or you might feel a calm, focused determination. If you’ve felt this determination, this focus, you’ve felt sisu.

What is Sisu?

Sisu is extreme resilience, perseverance, and bravery. It’s the idea that, no matter what life throws at you, you can handle it. It’s about having an inner strength that allows you to keep going, even when things seem impossible. It comes from knowing what you’re doing is important, it must be done. Sisu means having the calm confidence to look at these critical moments and think “I got this.”

What does it feel like?

When you feel sisu, you might not notice many physical sensations. Mindfulness comes in two forms – internal and external. Some feelings leave you very focused on your body, only somewhat aware of the outside world. Sisu is not one of these. As you feel sisu, you will notice your attention shifting to the outside world. You will notice yourself feeling very goal-oriented, your body energized by the focused realization that you need to finish this challenge.

Sisu is the sense of determination and inner strength that allows you to push through even the toughest of times. When you have sisu, you feel like you can take on the world. You have a fierce power that keeps you moving forward, no matter what obstacles you face.

How to Use Sisu?

If saying you feel “focused” or “in a state of flow” doesn’t quite capture the power and thrill you feel, try using sisu instead. This feeling takes a few different English concepts and ties them together. Notably, sisu means feeling internally confident you can handle an external challenge.

Anyone can cultivate sisu. It’s not something you’re born with, but rather something you develop over time. Here are some ways to experience sisu in your life:

Embrace challenges. Sisu is all about pushing through adversity. Embrace these challenging moments and see them as opportunities for growth.

Stay focused. Keep your eyes on the prize and don’t get distracted by setbacks or obstacles.

Take action. Sisu is all about taking action, even when you don’t feel like it. Don’t let fear hold you back.

Keep going. When things get tough, don’t give up! Know that you got this.

Words You Should Know – Geborgenheit

Pronounced “Ge Borg – En – Height”

In some moments, you might feel unsettled, uncomfortable, or full-unsafe. In others, you might feel safe, comfortable, and protected. In these positive moments, you are experiencing geborgenheit.

What is Geborgenheit?

Geborgenheit is the sensation of being held in a warm embrace, of feeling completely safe and protected from harm. It’s a feeling of deep comfort and security that comes from knowing that you are loved and cared for, and that nothing can harm you. While difficult to translate directly from German to English, this is a feeling we all cherish and pursue.

What does it feel like?

The feeling of geborgenheit is one of deep peace and contentment. It’s the sensation of being completely at ease in your surroundings, and knowing that you are safe and protected from harm. It’s a feeling that can come from many different sources, such as the love of a parent or partner, the warmth of a cozy home, or the simple pleasures of a good book or a warm bath. Whatever the source, the feeling of geborgenheit is one of deep comfort and security.

When you experience geborgenheit, you might notice a few different things within your body. You might feel physically warm, particularly in your chest and stomach. Your neck and shoulders might feel peacefully relaxed. You might also just notice a smile creeping onto your face as tears slowly streak down your cheeks.

How to use Geborgenheit

If you’ve ever felt “warm and cozy” doesn’t quite capture the full feeling, try using geborgenheit instead. This feeling builds on a few different concepts in English, but most notably gives another person credit for helping you feel safe and protected. You can use these shared moments to let another person know how much they mean to you, the impact they have on your life.

You can create more geborgenheit in your life through a few different strategies. First and foremost, surround yourself with people and things that make you feel safe and protected. This might mean spending time with loved ones who support and care for you, or creating a cozy and welcoming space in your home that feels like a refuge from the outside world.

You might also create more geborgenheit in your life by focusing on yourself. Look for the feeling of deep contentment and security, the feeling that only comes from knowing you are loved and cared for, that nothing can harm you. By creating this feeling more and more often in your life, you can experience a sense of peace and tranquility that will help you navigate even the most challenging of times.

Words You Should Know – Razliubit

Pronounced “Razzle You Bit”

At some point in life, we all experience a falling out of love. It’s a slow and gradual process, often characterized by a lack of interest and affection towards a person we once cared deeply for. In Russian, there’s a word that perfectly captures this feeling – razliubit.

What is Razliubit?

Razliubit is the emotion of falling out of love. It’s a common experience in relationships, where a person gradually stops caring for their partner. The word comes from the Russian language, focusing on the bittersweet realization that a love we once felt for someone special has faded away.

What does it feel like?

Razliubit is a complex emotion that can be difficult to describe in English. It’s often characterized by a sense of detachment and disinterest towards a person we once cared deeply for. We might feel bored, unfulfilled, or even irritated in their presence. Our conversations might feel forced or lack depth, and we might find ourselves avoiding spending time with them. Things just feel much harder and less rewarding than they used to.

Razliubit is that gentle sinking feeling in your stomach, the slight clenching of your jaw, when you have to interact with someone yet again. You might notice some of these negative sensations, or you might just notice the lack of positive ones you used to experience around this person. You don’t smile anymore. You don’t feel warm and fuzzy anymore. You don’t feel excited to keep doing this.

How to Use Razliubit?

If you’ve ever experienced a falling out of love, you might find that razliubit is a useful word to describe your emotions. This word can help your former partner understand why you don’t want to stay together. It can also be helpful when communicating with others why you’re no longer interested in your former relationship. It isn’t always that something goes wrong.

To use razliubit effectively, it’s important to understand its meaning and context. It’s a nuanced emotion that requires a certain level of self-awareness to recognize. If you’re feeling detached or disinterested in your partner, take some time to reflect on why you might be feeling that way. It could be a sign that your relationship needs some work, or that it’s time to move on. Oftentimes, couples will come to therapy when one or both of them start to feel razliubit, hoping to figure out if they can bring the love back into their relationship.

I’ve seen a lot of people struggle to put into words why they want to leave their partner.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Part of me wishes he had cheated on me. It would have given me a reason to leave.”
“It just felt off, you know?”

Razliubit is a normal part of life. Sometimes there isn’t much more to say than “we just fell out of love.”

Words You Should Know: “Broken”

What is it?

Brokenness is a feeling that we all experience at some point in our lives. It’s a sense that a part of us is unlovable or even damaged in some way. It can be triggered by experiences of rejection, trauma, or deep shame. Brokenness is a state feeling like we are less than whole.

What does it feel like?

When we feel broken, we often hide our true selves from those we love. We fear that if they really knew us, they would reject us. We may struggle to connect with others, feel isolated, and lack a sense of belonging. Our self-worth may be diminished, and we may have a negative self-image. It’s a vulnerable state that can be challenging to navigate.

Brokenness is that tension you feel in your chest when someone gets close to understanding you. Brokenness is that tightness in your throat when you almost say something vulnerable. Brokenness is a racing heart, wondering if you’ve said too much to someone who doesn’t care or will reject you.

How to use this word?

Use the word broken to help other people understand how you see yourself. Use it to let them know why you hesitate to share more about yourself, helping those you love understand why it’s so hard for you to accept their love in return.

If you’re feeling broken, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. Many people have felt this way, and it’s a natural part of the human experience. The first step to healing is acknowledging and accepting your brokenness. You can start by seeking support from loved ones, a therapist, or a support group. It’s also essential to practice self-compassion and self-care. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and work through them. Remember that healing is a process, and it takes time.

When we embrace our brokenness, we can discover newfound strength and resilience. We can learn to love ourselves and others more deeply, with all our flaws and imperfections. It’s not about fixing ourselves but rather accepting ourselves as we are. Through vulnerability and authenticity, we can create meaningful connections with others and find a sense of belonging.

Brokenness is a universal experience that can be challenging to navigate. However, by acknowledging and accepting our brokenness, we can begin the process of healing and discover newfound strength and resilience. Embracing our vulnerabilities can lead to meaningful connections with others and a deeper sense of self-love.

Emotion Words You Should Know: Empowered

As part of a new series, I am going to introduce you to several emotion words you may know, but would benefit from using more often. When you know more emotion words, you can experience more emotions. This helps you enjoy your positive moments more, as you lock them into your brain with a clear label. It also helps you suffer from your negative moments less, giving you more control over how you remember them.

This series will follow a fairly specific structure as I help you find emotion words for a wide variety of experiences. Today’s word, “Empowered,” comes into play when “The World Was Safe.” By safe, I mean you had the freedom to explore and the assurance you could get help when needed. This feeling of empowerment, then, comes up when you remember times you had that safety in the past. Let’s delve further into this word.

What is it?

Parents constantly need to balance protecting their kids and letting them be free to make mistakes. Young kids need more protection than freedom, while older kids need more freedom than protection. Parents get some wiggle room in making mistakes, but we can think of those mistakes as one of two things – too much protection or too much freedom.

When parents get this balance right, their kids grow up feeling empowered. They can explore the world, take risks, and come home when they push too far. This leads to well adjusted adults who likewise can take risks without taking rejection and failure too personally.

To be empowered means to feel confident in taking these risks and dealing with the consequences. This allows a person to try new activities, grow in old passions, and discard unwanted pieces. Empowered people deal with new information better, adapting faster to a world that doesn’t have to be threatening to them.

It’s not about how scary the world is, it’s about how confident you are in your ability to face it.

What does it feel like?

Picture a mountain. It starts at a slow incline, progresses into a slight uphill covered in trees, and ends in a sheer upward peak. At the bottom, you can rest easily and enjoy the pleasant weather. Looking up, however, you can see winds increasing and, at the very top, snow swirling in the air. Climbing this mountain will not be easy.

It doesn’t need to be easy, though. You have the right equipment and experience in climbing to feel confident facing this mountain. You got this.

Starting at the bottom, you let your mind wander, feeling unchallenged by the gentle slope. Here, you carry your backpack and plant one foot gently in front of the other, knowing that virtually anyone could make this part of the journey. While this feels easy, it doesn’t feel particularly fulfilling.

Toward the middle of the mountain, you start to feel a bit winded. Your backpack still rests firmly between your shoulders, unopened, but you start using the trees as handles and pick your footing carefully. Every once in a while, you feel your foot slip and need to regain your grip on the world under you. A wind occasionally bursts around you, forcing you to take deeper breaths in order to keep climbing in this way. This part is harder than the mountain’s bottom, but still not exactly challenging.

Near the top, you open your backpack. Here, you need climbing gear in order to keep moving. You strap everything on, pull up a scarf to block the swirling snow, and thrust your hands into thick gloves. As you look straight up and see the top of the mountain, you know two things. First, this won’t be easy; given the jagged rocks and sheer climb, you’ll be exhausted and hurting by the time you make it to the top.

Second, you’re going to make it to the top.

This feeling, to see a challenging situation and feel confident in your ability to handle it, is empowerment.

How to use this word?

Try using “empowered” in your everyday life. Use it to describe situations that might be a little scary, but feel manageable anyway. In couples therapy, I encourage clients to use this word when they are given something new; a new pain, a new desire, a new feeling. This gift carries its own set of challenges and hopes for the future – a mountain, you could say. When taking in this gift, I hope you feel empowered to climb the mountain.

Women’s Mental Load

Ever feel anxious, overburdened with the amount of things you need to remember? Do you find yourself annoyed that, when you talk about the things on your list, your partner reminds you they’re happy to help and you just have to ask?

We can look at relationship responsibilities a few different ways. In one of those, we strictly measure the tasks each person completes, comparing them to make sure it’s close to 50/50. This helps the home stay somewhat organized, helps everyone stay busy, and keeps things pretty functional. It also means we’re ignoring at least half the workload – the mental load.

The Mental Load

Does this scenario sound familiar?

Juggling three tasks at the same time, you ask your partner to do the dishes. He stops what he’s doing and loads the dishwasher, or empties the sink by hand. At the end of that task, he goes back to what he was doing before, satisfied that he helped when you asked him to help.

While doing your own work, you go into the living room and find several plates from the day before still sitting out. Determined to keep things from going from messy to gross, you bring these to the sink and clean them yourself. In the process, you notice the living room table has quite a bit of garbage on it, so you clean that up as well. But wait! The trash needs to go out in order to fit the new garbage, so you do that too. Before you know it, you’ve been working for 30 minutes and still haven’t finished the three things you started.

Exhausted, you complain to your partner. “Honey, please pick up your trash. The table was a mess.”

He looks back at you, shrugs, and says it looks fine now. If it gets messy again and you need his help, just ask.

Just ask.

Getting work done doesn’t mean just getting work done. It also means knowing what work needs to get done. This means juggling the mental load of responsibilities, “The List,” constantly keeping track of what has to happen for the family, house, and relationship to function.

And keeping track of everything is exhausting.

Why is this considered normal?

Consider the 50s, which a shockingly high amount of Americans consider a great time for our culture. In the 50s, men earned the income their family needed to function, working full time to provide for their families. Women, in the meantime, largely stayed home and cleaned. And took care of the kids. And scheduled appointments. In essence, responsibilities were pretty split on gender lines.

Enter the 70s, where women entered the workforce in mass. Women started working increasingly often, with society beginning to expect them to work as often as their husbands. One might expect this lead to an equal division in household labor, right?

Nope.

Women instead needed to walk a fine line. Work hard to provide for your family financially, but also take care of your family at home. Juggle the mental load, but also lose all the time previous generations used to keep track of that load. Exhausted? Anxious? Sucks, make it work.

What are the consequences of this?

In order to survive, women learned to over-function. They take care of their homes, take care of their children, take care of their partners, and hopefully take care of themselves – if they have the time. Women being “anxious” just became accepted. Women are just more emotional, we say. They just get stuck on problems and can’t live in the moment. They don’t feel sexual, can’t relax, can’t be happy.

How can you relax when you need to remember 15 things that each have 10 subtasks? How can you feel sexual when the house needs 8 things to happen in the next week? How can you just enjoy a TV show when your husband might not even know about his doctor’s appointment later this week?

Men expect a lot from women. Women expect a lot from themselves. When women, inevitably, fail to take care of everything and still relax, they often get depressed, questioning their own competence.

What needs to happen?

I’m speaking to men here. We need to do better.

Your wife isn’t responsible for your health. You aren’t “helping her” with chores, “babysitting” the kids, or being amazing when you take the kids to a doctor’s appointment. If she has to keep track of these things, you don’t have a fair relationship, even if you’re doing half the work. Even if you’re earning more money than her, you need to take on some of the mental load. Ask her about this and see what you can do to balance the mental load.

Her health and the future of your relationship depends on it.

Relational Game Theory

Full disclosure, this post is mostly for me. I know that’s not the best way to get people interested in my site and my work, but I haven’t posted for a while and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. If the topic interests you, awesome. If not, no worries. I’ll post more accessible content in the future.

What is Game Theory?

Game Theory indicates the best way to handle any given situation. “Game Theory Optimal” essentially refers to how a perfect computer would choose to resolve a problem. This assumes that any problem presented to you includes an optimal solution, a best solution. Choosing to follow this option means you’re operating at the “Nash Equilibrium,” a continued series of optimal choices in order to continue operating at a Game Theory Optimal level. Here are a few examples that might make the concept clearer.

Imagine a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, where you can choose between three different options. Often, when a player selects an option, they essentially choose one at random. Their opponent does the same and one player wins. Trouble is – humans don’t do random particularly well. You might choose Rock 50% of the time, Paper 30% of the time, and Scissors 20% of the time. I might follow a 10% / 60% / 30% ratio. I wouldn’t necessarily be doing this intentionally, but rather just because humans are bad at random. The Nash Equilibrium, however, would require choosing each of the options 33% of the time. When two players operate at the Nash Equilibrium, they each win a roughly equal amount.

Here’s another example.

Imagine you and I robbed a bank. The cops catch us and split us into two rooms, without the ability to communicate or coordinate a story. They give us each the same options – rat out your partner or deny everything. Based upon this situation, we see four possibilities:

  1. Neither of us cooperate with the police. If this happens, we both walk away without any jail time.
  2. You rat me out, but I don’t rat you out. If this happens, I get 10 years in prison and you get off without any punishment.
  3. I rat you out, but you don’t rat me out. If this happens, you get 10 years in prison and I get off without any punishment.
  4. We both rat each other out. If this happens, we each get 7 years in prison.

Look at your two possibilities. If you don’t cooperate, you either get 0 or 10 years in prison. If you rat me out, you either get 0 or 7 years in prison. A Game Theory Optimal solution requires ratting me out. Game Theory encourages each participant to act within their own, selfish interests.

What is Relational Game Theory?

Let’s change the previous examples. In the second example, known as the “Prisoners’ Dilemma,” replace jail time with paying money to a third party. Let’s also assume we’re no longer just playing once, but rather 10 times.

In this scenario, I’m going to be pretty pissed if you sell me out on the first turn. I will respond by selling you out on the second turn, regardless of your choice. This means, after 10 rounds of the game, we’d sell each other out at least 9 times. Ignoring the first round, we each give up 9×7 dollars to the third party for a total of $63.

Let’s choose something different. Let’s choose to be kind, with neither of us giving each other up. Again ignoring the first round, this means, after 9 rounds of the game, we’d each give up zero dollars. Relational Game Theory assumes we’re not just working together once, but rather a number of times. The relationship matters, since it’s not just a single interaction.

Looking at Rock-Paper-Scissors, let’s assume you recognize that your partner throws Rock 80% of the time and you respond appropriately, beginning to throw Paper 80% of the time. Now, instead of each of you winning half the rounds, you win 90% of the time. Guess whose partner isn’t going to play with them again?

How does this affect our relationships?

Affective Neuroscience actually gives us a Relational Game Theory Optimal means of interacting with our romantic partners. Rather than thinking of scripted actions, think of the Nash Equilibrium as dictating what category of responses you give. The basic nature of distress in a Relational Game Theory Optimal situation would go as follows:

  1. Partner A feels some painful emotion, expressing a “Distress Vocalization.” In a child, this might be a cry or a whine. In an adult, it might also be a cry or a whine, but also might look more complicated. Expressions of hurt often sound like, “You just don’t ever listen to me,” or “Look how messy the house is. We never do anything.”
  2. Partner B responds to this painful emotion, expressing some level of comfort. When a child expresses a Distress Vocalization, an adult is biologically wired to comfort them. This might look like a hug, or just a general sense of acceptance and love. In response to the previous examples, this might sound like, “Hey honey, your opinions are so important to me. What’s going on?” or “The house is stressing you out? Okay, I’m happy to help.”

When this happens, both partners receive an oxytocin dump, feeling closer and more loved for having the interaction.

As I’m sure many of us have experienced, however, this isn’t how the interaction often goes.

What goes wrong?

Having established the Relational Game Theory Optimal means of connecting, Pain followed by Comfort, let’s look at what often happens instead.

The Pain comment comes across as an attack. Partner B, rather than responding with Comfort, responds in a defensive or aggressive manner. This, unfortunately, means we are not operating in a Relational Game Theory Optimal manner, but rather in a traditional Game Theory Optimal manner. By choosing to protect themselves and blast one another rather than engage in a loving manner, the partners essentially chose to sell out their partner to the police. While this works for an individual interaction, it does not – in any way – lead to a close relationship that functions in the long run.

What do we do about this?

Two things need to happen to move a Game Theory Optimal situation into a Relational Game Theory Optimal situation. First, we need a sense of teamwork. Without this, no level of skills-building or communication practice will matter in any way, because operating in a pro-relationship manner is not in either partners’ best interest. They need to protect themselves rather than the team, leading to pain and hurt fired back and forth. Choosing to protect your partner makes no sense at all if they’re likely to sell you out.

After establishing the sense of teamwork, we can begin working on the actual skills. This includes practicing a Relational Game Theory Optimal means of communication, giving you and your partner the ability to use these skills and new patterns naturally and organically when conflict arises. Our bodies naturally fire us up to defend us when we feel threatened. Even at the end of couples therapy, we don’t expect this to stop. We do, however, hope both partners feel safe together after a fight, re-asserting their team. Over time, this drills in the goals of Relational Game Theory.

Bonus: Using Game Theory in Board Games

I’m addressing games with 3+ players in this final section. As I’m covering these new strategies, bare in mind the strength of both fear and desire. Both arise naturally in the brain, but fear drowns out desire when pushed too far. In couples therapy that means we need to reduce fear to help each partner feel safe pushing toward the desired connection. In board games, it means we’re playing on fear.

We tend to deviate from the Nash Equilibrium when we feel threatened or afraid of something. Ever see someone turtle up in Risk, putting all their soldiers in Australia? They lose, of course, but they get to alleviate the fear of slow attrition and losing battles, instead forestalling that pain until the end of the game. Game Theory Optimal play in Risk would require constant battling for territory in order to optimize points, but fear of that battling may cause a player to hide in Australia instead.

In a multiplayer game, you want to identify where your counterparts deviate from Game Theory Optimal play. Notice they’re consolidating troops to the North, despite minimal threat? They’re afraid of invasion up there. You can use this observation to introduce division and conflict between your enemies. Point out how your opponent is threatening the North, reinforcing that fear. You opponents will start to see one another as obstacles to their own optimal play, deviating ever further from the Nash Equilibrium in order to alleviate their fear.

The other upside? Pointing this out makes it seem you’re helping with the fear. That makes you less scary, in turn making space for affection and comradery to form naturally. Without pushing for any agenda or relationship, you move your opponent into a mindset in which you’re on their team. They work toward Relational Game Theory Optimal play with you, while working toward regular Game Theory Optimal play with one another. In short, you get credit for being the good guy while also moving closer to the finish line yourself.

Remember, though, to use this strategy in board games, not your relationship.

My partner doesn’t trust me, what do I do?

No relationship can survive without trust. Trust forms the foundation for all the work you and your partner do. With a solid foundation, you can build something beautiful – a relationship full of openness and honesty, love and connection. With a cracked foundation, however, you will find yourself facing accusations and hurt, quiet and distance. So, if you see cracks in your foundation, what can you do?

How do I know if my foundation is cracked?

A cracked foundation feels very different from a solid one. A solid foundation means you and your partner trust each other to live your own lives, joining in the middle to share in your relationship. At times, this might mean doing your own thing and mentioning it later, in passing. This means having privacy, but no need to exercise it. In an honest relationship, you both see the space for potential secrets, understanding the potential for violation and betrayal. At the same time, you see no need to use this space and no fear your partner will use their space to hurt you. While violations are possible, they don’t happen. When hurt happens, it’s by mistake. Miscommunications happen in the best of times, always running the risk of hurt. With a solid foundation, however, these miscommunications are seen as just that – miscommunications. You give each other the benefit of the doubt, knowing you offer your partner your heart.

Some of this likely sounds familiar, some of it a bit idealistic. If you want to push for more of this type of relationship – one characterized by openness and honesty – you need to build trust.

The Two Types of Trust

First, you need to figure out which kind of trust is missing.

Logical trust is like a switch; you either have it or you don’t. We decide to give logical trust. Likely, if your partner isn’t giving you logical trust, something happened in the past. This could be as big as an affair, or as small as leaving them alone at a family gathering. You need to ask about this hurt. Your partner should be able to give you a pretty concrete answer as to why they don’t feel safe turning on their switch. They might even explain the hurt that turned it off. When you ask about this, you can ask about both sides of the hurt – what happened, and what can I do to fix it?

Logical trust also changes quickly. When your partner decides they feel safe enough to give you their logical trust, they can just do so. You just need to determine why they don’t feel safe enough to do so. This answer might mean something about transparency, but likely consists mostly of answers about the past and promises about the future. If they feel real, your partner can give you their logical trust. If they feel fake or forced, your partner will likely continue hesitating to flip their trust switch.

Emotional trust is a spectrum, with an infinite spread between the two sides. You cannot even start building this trust, however, unless your partner has switched the logical trust switch. If they have already flipped it, you can start building emotional trust. This takes time, with your partner measuring your reliability through consistency and dependability. Will you be there for me when I need you the most? Your partner needs you to demonstrate you can do this, proving again and again that they can depend on you.

When asking about building emotional trust, you can ask your partner what behaviors help them feel safe around you. You partner will likely pick little things that help them feel like your teammate. Ask about my day, help me calm down when I’m feeling stressed, support me when I’m confronted by family. These moments may seem small at the time, but they add up immensely, determining where your partner places you on their trust spectrum.

Moving Forward

Building trust happens naturally – it’s part of what makes us human. If it can’t happen for some reason, there’s a block to it. Watch for signs your partner isn’t trusting your attempts to connect with them. You might be able to ask your partner some questions about better ways to use your energy – what consistency and reliability do they need, but aren’t getting? Just having these conversations builds trust, as you demonstrate your commitment and willingness to ask difficult questions. Likewise, if you can’t find any behaviors that seem to help, ask your partner if they left their switch off for some reason. Ask about past hurts. Ask about future fears. The more you can live in the present together, the easier you’ll find it to build a solid foundation of happiness and trust.