Ever feel all alone with your problems? For many of us, this feels overwhelming, making the problems seem even bigger. You might spend a lot of time thinking about your stressors, not feeling able to share them. Over time, even small problems can feel like barriers between you and your partner. When asked, “What are you thinking about?” it seems tempting to give an “I don’t know,” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” Meanwhile, you’re not really sure what to do to feel better.
Your partner likely wants you to ask for help. When our loved ones seem troubled, our brains naturally and automatically look for ways to help alleviate stress. This joining releases oxytocin, the brain’s bonding chemical. Asking for help gives your partner an opportunity to join with you and feel good about it. Repeatedly getting turned down feels pretty bad for both of you, however. This means if your partner asks “What are you thinking about?” and gets shot down enough times, they’ll stop asking.
Now we’ve started a cycle. Your partner once pushed to help you, but you didn’t feel safe to talk about your problem. They pushed harder and asked more insistently for a while, desperate to connect with you. If you felt overwhelmed before, though, this made it worse. At this point, they’ve stopped asking. You both accepted this distance between you and given up the fight for connection.
How can you ask for help in a safe way that promotes connection?
First and foremost, you need to know you’re safe to talk about your problems. If your partner might snap at you, insult you, or even physically hurt you for opening up, there’s little chance of connection. To get around this first piece, it can help to offer a little heads-up about the type of conversation you want. You might say, for example, “Hey, can I talk to you about something? It might be a tough conversation.” Any version of this can put your partner into the right mindset to connect with you.
Second, you will find this conversation much easier if you’re in touch with your feelings while talking. I’ve previously discussed feeling “flooded,” where emotion clouds your judgement. You might “see red” for example. Being in touch with your feelings gives you a chance to slow down if you start to get worked up. Hopefully the heads-up you offered your partner put them into the right mindset to support you, but no one is perfect. If they give you a raised eyebrow or scoff at something you say, being in touch with your feelings gives you a chance to reset instead of the conversation blowing up.
Finally, focus more on connection than problem solving. You probably know your issues better than your partner does, so they likely will struggle to give good advice. They can, however, help you feel important. Most of us can solve most of our problems, but trying to do so often feels risky and isolating. Knowing your partner supports you can provide a secure base to push for a solution, to try something new. Accept their help, but don’t expect them to fix everything for you.
If this sounds like too much, that makes sense. Our culture doesn’t teach us great ways to ask for help. With that in mind, if you’re interested in couples counseling to help you and your partner connect with and support one another, feel free to reach out to me. I offer marriage counseling in all of Minnesota and would love to help you and your partner ask for help in healthy ways.