No relationship can survive without trust. Trust forms the foundation for all the work you and your partner do. With a solid foundation, you can build something beautiful – a relationship full of openness and honesty, love and connection. With a cracked foundation, however, you will find yourself facing accusations and hurt, quiet and distance. So, if you see cracks in your foundation, what can you do?
How do I know if my foundation is cracked?
A cracked foundation feels very different from a solid one. A solid foundation means you and your partner trust each other to live your own lives, joining in the middle to share in your relationship. At times, this might mean doing your own thing and mentioning it later, in passing. This means having privacy, but no need to exercise it. In an honest relationship, you both see the space for potential secrets, understanding the potential for violation and betrayal. At the same time, you see no need to use this space and no fear your partner will use their space to hurt you. While violations are possible, they don’t happen. When hurt happens, it’s by mistake. Miscommunications happen in the best of times, always running the risk of hurt. With a solid foundation, however, these miscommunications are seen as just that – miscommunications. You give each other the benefit of the doubt, knowing you offer your partner your heart.
Some of this likely sounds familiar, some of it a bit idealistic. If you want to push for more of this type of relationship – one characterized by openness and honesty – you need to build trust.
The Two Types of Trust
First, you need to figure out which kind of trust is missing.
Logical trust is like a switch; you either have it or you don’t. We decide to give logical trust. Likely, if your partner isn’t giving you logical trust, something happened in the past. This could be as big as an affair, or as small as leaving them alone at a family gathering. You need to ask about this hurt. Your partner should be able to give you a pretty concrete answer as to why they don’t feel safe turning on their switch. They might even explain the hurt that turned it off. When you ask about this, you can ask about both sides of the hurt – what happened, and what can I do to fix it?
Logical trust also changes quickly. When your partner decides they feel safe enough to give you their logical trust, they can just do so. You just need to determine why they don’t feel safe enough to do so. This answer might mean something about transparency, but likely consists mostly of answers about the past and promises about the future. If they feel real, your partner can give you their logical trust. If they feel fake or forced, your partner will likely continue hesitating to flip their trust switch.
Emotional trust is a spectrum, with an infinite spread between the two sides. You cannot even start building this trust, however, unless your partner has switched the logical trust switch. If they have already flipped it, you can start building emotional trust. This takes time, with your partner measuring your reliability through consistency and dependability. Will you be there for me when I need you the most? Your partner needs you to demonstrate you can do this, proving again and again that they can depend on you.
When asking about building emotional trust, you can ask your partner what behaviors help them feel safe around you. You partner will likely pick little things that help them feel like your teammate. Ask about my day, help me calm down when I’m feeling stressed, support me when I’m confronted by family. These moments may seem small at the time, but they add up immensely, determining where your partner places you on their trust spectrum.
Moving Forward
Building trust happens naturally – it’s part of what makes us human. If it can’t happen for some reason, there’s a block to it. Watch for signs your partner isn’t trusting your attempts to connect with them. You might be able to ask your partner some questions about better ways to use your energy – what consistency and reliability do they need, but aren’t getting? Just having these conversations builds trust, as you demonstrate your commitment and willingness to ask difficult questions. Likewise, if you can’t find any behaviors that seem to help, ask your partner if they left their switch off for some reason. Ask about past hurts. Ask about future fears. The more you can live in the present together, the easier you’ll find it to build a solid foundation of happiness and trust.