If I told you researchers could predict whether or not you and your partner would stay together, would you believe me? What do you think they would watch for? Certain behaviors certainly stand out more than others. Sometimes partners joke with one another and may appear to outsiders as though they want to hurt each others’ feelings. This may just be playing around, which can actually help the relationship. Because different people mean different things with the same actions, even researchers can misinterpret behaviors.
If not behaviors, what would these researchers watch for? When would they tell the couple they needed counseling? Relationship behaviors tend to get more extreme over time, to the point where you and your partner may not even need to say anything to get your point across. Oftentimes, these polarized moments show great danger, but not because of the behaviors used.
Our biggest flag is an attitude. Specifically, contempt. In a healthy relationship – intimate or not – each participant recognizes that everyone else can see and value things differently. This dynamic allows partners to talk with one another about these differences and use curiosity to learn more about others’ perspectives. In a contempt – filled relationship, however, a partner decides their views hold the most value.
This means disagreements stop fleshing out differences. Instead, one or both partners start feeling judgmental, better than their spouse. Humans pick up on this quickly. Ever feel like someone was talking down to you during a conversation? That’s contempt. When strangers use contempt, we often try to leave. When your partner uses contempt, it can feel pretty tempting to check out emotionally.
Once we check out emotionally, we lose the positive foundation relationships need. If these positive moments disappear and actual conversations feel loaded with contempt, neither partner feels satisfied. This gets more extreme over time, to where either partner may start looking outside the relationship to get their needs met. Isolating, drugs, and cheating can happen at this point.
In marriage counseling, we work to fight contempt. Your partner is not your enemy, they are potentially your greatest source of connection. By treating the relationship as a unit that wants to work, we can specifically target this attitude, helping you both feel more respected and valued. Once your relationship frees itself of contempt, you will feel more valued and respected. Over time, this may lead to a deeper connection and sense of fulfillment.
Contempt is the enemy. Your partner doesn’t have to be.