What do I owe my partner?

And how is that different from what they think I owe them?

Growing up, most of us start to learn about relationships from our parents. If not parents, we hopefully find an uncle, aunt, or some other figure who can model healthy relationships for us. Lacking such a figure makes life much, much more difficult for a variety of reasons I will get into in another blog. So, for this blog, let’s talk about partners doing their best by learning from what their parents modeled for them.

There is no definitive guide to being in a relationship or being a parent. We have some themes that make relationships healthier, skills marriage counseling can teach that make things work better. Every relationship is different, however. Every relationship demands different things from its members because its members demand different things from one another. With that in mind, couples therapy needs to be pretty flexible to take these expectations into account.

Where do expectations come from? Whether we see healthy behaviors or not, we tend to learn relationship dynamics from our attachment figures (such as parents). Gender norms come from here as well, further complicating our expectations. As I watch my parents interact, I learn how a husband should treat his wife. My thinking brain might later recognize that some of the things I witnessed probably shouldn’t have happened, but my feeling brain normalized what I grew up with.

My partner grew up learning the same way. Granting that neither of our families held the same expectations or rules, my partner and I inevitably hold different views on a number of issues. Gender roles included. So now, we take two people with different expectations and tell them to make a functional relationship. Does this sound easy?

It certainly isn’t. Initially, many relationships go through the “honeymoon phase,” where each partner sees what they want to see. They overlook one another’s flaws and feel excited to see one another. In some ways, partners love the idea of their partner more than their actual partner during this time.

As time goes on and the relationship develops, however, you and your partner truly start to see each other. The little things get harder to ignore as you notice them more often. Your partner starts to act in ways that defy your expectations – and not always for the better. Likewise, your partner starts to express irritation with you for your choices and beliefs. Not everything, but far more than when you first started dating. Things get tense.

Problematically, each of you learned specific ways people are supposed to show love in a relationship. Maybe your family’s gender norms said Dad does all the yard work, so of course your husband needs to do it now. In his family, however, everyone worked together on the yard. Now, your views butt heads, with each of you expecting something different from one another. If you don’t actively discuss these expectations, you two might grow to resent one another. After all, if your husband doesn’t hold up his end of the deal, don’t you deserve to resent him?

Reconciling these expectations often proves uncomfortable at best and impossible at worst. The very first step is to recognize your expectations for your partner. Notice moments where you see the tall grass and feel irritable – that moment provides you a powerful opportunity to learn about the expectations you put on your partner. At the same time, you can very reasonably expect your partner to do this same reflection. They need to know what they expect out of you in the relationship.

After determining your expectations, you and your partner need to discuss how to make them both work in your relationship. Remember how your feeling brain expects a thing, but your thinking brain might not like that expectation? This conversation is your opportunity to pick something different for your relationship. You both already feel uncomfortable. You might as well use this chance to try something new.

Marriage counseling helps with both parts of this process. A marriage counselor can help both of you reflect inward, finding your expectations for one another. This process also proves triggering for many people, as examining your own beliefs often requires facing your past. The good and the bad alike. A therapist can help make that feel a little more bearable.

While marriage counseling can help with the first step, it truly shines in the second. If both of you know your expectations for one another, couples therapy offers a powerful opportunity to have a productive conversation. You know how conversations sometimes turn into arguments? Avoiding that requires each of you to recognize when you get worked up and catch it. After catching it, you can pull back from those feelings, avoiding being flooded so you can have a healthier conversation. A marriage therapist knows how to watch for flooding. We can help you regulate your emotions in order to discuss your expectations together.

Discussing expectations hurts. When your partner holds you to standards you don’t understand or agree with, that hurts a lot. This doesn’t have to hurt. Discussing your relationship allows you and your partner to grow together.