Does it feel like the reactions you get from your partner are always fair? Likewise, do you always respond appropriately to your partner? Many of us find ourselves overreacting to certain things, snapping at something small or storming off after hearing the wrong word. This can feel as frustrating for the overreactor as for the receiver. Both partners may feel confused and angry, unsure how to move forward if any small thing can set either of them off.
Our brains are weird. It helps to think of three different brains in one: you largely control your Thinking Brain. Some people think of this as your consciousness, or your mind. Basically, your observable thoughts occur here. Thinking Brain problems often feel pretty straightforward, with us challenging thoughts we don’t like. We can also engage in some pretty fun conversations at this level, playing with new ideas and exploring new ways of thinking. The Thinking Brain is, however, the weakest of the three brains.
The Feeling Brain pushes us into an emotional state. Research shows we engage very different areas of our brains when we feel certain ways. Ever feel angry early in the day and continue noticing things that irritate you? What about saying, “I’m having a good day,” and things just keep working out for you? Our Feeling Brain determines what we notice and can recall, essentially framing life for our Thinking Brain. Life gets complicated when our Feeling Brain thinks of the world as dangerous, because our Thinking Brain then sees life through this filter. We start to notice more danger and rationalize why certain things are not as safe as they seem. While this can help keep you alive, it probably won’t make you happy. Despite this incredible ability to frame life, however, the Feeling Brain also isn’t the most powerful brain.
The Body Brain greatly complicates life. Our Body Brain basically consists of two modes – Start (Sympathetic Nervous System) and Stop (Para-Sympathetic Nervous System). The Body Brain has its own memories, as evidenced by child abuse survivors who panic at key triggers. When the Start function, kicks in, people get pretty stressed. We call this feeling “flooded.”
When the Body Brain starts flooding, it basically shuts down the Thinking Brain. After all, thinking isn’t particularly helpful if you need to run away right now, right? As we progress through life, the Body Brain starts to pick up a number of triggers. Those with hard lives develop more triggers, finding themselves flooded more often than those whose lives felt less challenging.
This means a hard relationship – with a parent, spouse, or really anyone – can create a number of small triggers. These triggers can come up in conversations with others, such as a new partner. You might mention wanting to visit your parents, for example, and your partner suddenly starts yelling at you, eventually storming out. For you, this feels confusing and frustrating, as you didn’t do anything to warrant that reaction. For them, it also feels confusing and frustrating, because their Thinking Brain doesn’t understand the overreaction. Because it wasn’t the Thinking Brain that overreacted, it was the Body Brain.
Sometimes a relationship feels plagued with triggers. Both partners may start to blow up or leave at the slightest offense, not responding logically to their partner, but rather to a sense of flooding. Conversations start to feel impossible, as anything might trigger this effect. Your Body Brain continues waiting for any sign of danger, leaving your Thinking Brain to judge your partner and yourself for constantly overreacting.
In marriage counseling, we sit with these feelings. My training helps me recognize when the Body Brain starts flooding. I can watch for the Feeling Brain’s framing effects, helping your relationship develop healthier patterns. I can help you and your partner respond to each other with your Thinking Brains more often, ultimately working toward the relationship you both want.