Women’s Mental Load

Ever feel anxious, overburdened with the amount of things you need to remember? Do you find yourself annoyed that, when you talk about the things on your list, your partner reminds you they’re happy to help and you just have to ask?

We can look at relationship responsibilities a few different ways. In one of those, we strictly measure the tasks each person completes, comparing them to make sure it’s close to 50/50. This helps the home stay somewhat organized, helps everyone stay busy, and keeps things pretty functional. It also means we’re ignoring at least half the workload – the mental load.

The Mental Load

Does this scenario sound familiar?

Juggling three tasks at the same time, you ask your partner to do the dishes. He stops what he’s doing and loads the dishwasher, or empties the sink by hand. At the end of that task, he goes back to what he was doing before, satisfied that he helped when you asked him to help.

While doing your own work, you go into the living room and find several plates from the day before still sitting out. Determined to keep things from going from messy to gross, you bring these to the sink and clean them yourself. In the process, you notice the living room table has quite a bit of garbage on it, so you clean that up as well. But wait! The trash needs to go out in order to fit the new garbage, so you do that too. Before you know it, you’ve been working for 30 minutes and still haven’t finished the three things you started.

Exhausted, you complain to your partner. “Honey, please pick up your trash. The table was a mess.”

He looks back at you, shrugs, and says it looks fine now. If it gets messy again and you need his help, just ask.

Just ask.

Getting work done doesn’t mean just getting work done. It also means knowing what work needs to get done. This means juggling the mental load of responsibilities, “The List,” constantly keeping track of what has to happen for the family, house, and relationship to function.

And keeping track of everything is exhausting.

Why is this considered normal?

Consider the 50s, which a shockingly high amount of Americans consider a great time for our culture. In the 50s, men earned the income their family needed to function, working full time to provide for their families. Women, in the meantime, largely stayed home and cleaned. And took care of the kids. And scheduled appointments. In essence, responsibilities were pretty split on gender lines.

Enter the 70s, where women entered the workforce in mass. Women started working increasingly often, with society beginning to expect them to work as often as their husbands. One might expect this lead to an equal division in household labor, right?

Nope.

Women instead needed to walk a fine line. Work hard to provide for your family financially, but also take care of your family at home. Juggle the mental load, but also lose all the time previous generations used to keep track of that load. Exhausted? Anxious? Sucks, make it work.

What are the consequences of this?

In order to survive, women learned to over-function. They take care of their homes, take care of their children, take care of their partners, and hopefully take care of themselves – if they have the time. Women being “anxious” just became accepted. Women are just more emotional, we say. They just get stuck on problems and can’t live in the moment. They don’t feel sexual, can’t relax, can’t be happy.

How can you relax when you need to remember 15 things that each have 10 subtasks? How can you feel sexual when the house needs 8 things to happen in the next week? How can you just enjoy a TV show when your husband might not even know about his doctor’s appointment later this week?

Men expect a lot from women. Women expect a lot from themselves. When women, inevitably, fail to take care of everything and still relax, they often get depressed, questioning their own competence.

What needs to happen?

I’m speaking to men here. We need to do better.

Your wife isn’t responsible for your health. You aren’t “helping her” with chores, “babysitting” the kids, or being amazing when you take the kids to a doctor’s appointment. If she has to keep track of these things, you don’t have a fair relationship, even if you’re doing half the work. Even if you’re earning more money than her, you need to take on some of the mental load. Ask her about this and see what you can do to balance the mental load.

Her health and the future of your relationship depends on it.