Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
Your sex drive is perfectly normal, as is your partner’s. Your body is beautiful and there is absolutely nothing wrong with how it responds to sexual situations. That said, life can get more complicated if there’s a mismatch between your sex drive and your partner’s. Here are some things you should know in order to move forward together sexually.
The Gas Pedal
Every body learns to respond to various sexual input. This natural learning process occurs throughout your adolescence and into adulthood. It’s also not really something you can control, with your culture largely determining what you learn to see as sexually appealing. All our bodies do this to some extent, giving us a chance to engage sexually in a fun, arousing way. People also vary with how many things they find arousing – how many things hit the gas – with men typically responding faster and more strongly than women. This doesn’t mean that men learn to associate more things with sex, just that the arousal process tends to happen faster and with less regard for context.
So, if your gas pedal develops outside your control, what can you do about it?
Most of your work here comes from honest self-reflection and sexual exploration. If you never explore any kind of porn or erotic stories, you won’t find everything that hits your gas pedal. I encourage you to think about exploring content (in a safe, controlled fashion) and trying to figure out what gets you hot and bothered. Notice any feelings that accompany this arousal. Our Christian culture tends to tell us sexual arousal is shameful. This causes us to feel shame in addition to our arousal, slowing how hard we hit the gas. A strong enough shame will also hit the brakes.
The Brakes
Ever feel excited, ready to rock, then get pulled out of it suddenly? The candles, the music, it all starts to feel forced and you retreat into your head. Your lust dies out and you wonder if it’s worth the effort. Why does this happen?
Well, how do we stay safe while aroused? Our judgement tends to get fuzzy, with people making riskier decisions the more aroused they become. To keep us safe, then, our bodies sometimes hit the brakes. As a general rule, women have more sensitive brakes than men. It doesn’t help that our culture tells women their very bodies are a source of shame, sometimes meaning arousal itself can be a brake for women.
In order to soften up the brakes, you and your partner need to be really intentional about slowing things down and establishing safety. Physically and emotionally. Physical safety means clear consent, both initially and throughout your fun time together. Emotional safety means valuing each others’ pleasure, slowing down or stopping if something doesn’t feel right. If this happens, speak up! Your partner needs to know something hit the brakes, giving you both a chance to re-establish safety and get back in the mood.
What can we do?
Beyond establishing safety, here are some things you and your partner can do when experiencing a sexual mismatch.
- Communicate sexual expectations clearly. Make sure both of you have input on what consent looks like and how to make sure both of you are in the mood initially.
- Know that it can take a little while to get in the mood. Your body may feel slow to hit the gas, meaning it might feel like “faking it” initially as you and your partner start the fun.
- Set up sexual boundaries. What is or isn’t okay in your relationship? If one of you has a higher libido than the other, consider helping them masturbate when you’re not in the mood. If that doesn’t appeal to you, consider letting them take time to pleasure themselves.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. You have to be clear about what hits your gas and what slams your brakes. This requires self-reflection and exploration, as well as communication once you figure it out. The more clearly you understand your own gas and brakes, then communicate these, the more satisfying you’ll find your sex life.