Life often feels confusing and lonely. Because of that confusion and loneliness, we desperately need our connections with others. These connections affirm us, praise us, and even validate our existence. Couples counseling focuses on fostering this connection between partners, teaching them to open up to one another in critical ways. But why is that so important?
I soon start my Level 2 training in Emotionally Focused Therapy. In EFT, we operate within Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory claims most feelings stem from a need going met or unmet interpersonally. These needs form as children – were your parents there for you? Did you feel you could turn to them when you needed them? If not your parents, who could you rely on?
If you couldn’t rely on anyone as a child, your brain likely became hardwired to watch for moments where, as an adult, you can’t trust others. This might mean others seem unreliable or even dangerous. Alternatively, others might just seem distant and uninvested in you. Either way, your brain starts watching for these moments, triggers that others will hurt you, intentionally or not.
Your connection with your partner is no different. Marriage counseling shows us that we continue to watch for these patterns with those we love, sometimes even watching for them here more than with others. After all, if I’m going to invest heavily in someone, I need to know they’re safe, right? Unfortunately, none of us are perfect. If you watch for moments of your partner ignoring you, lying to you, or just generally making mistakes, you will find them.
What do I do now?
In these moments, you need to know. Really, truly know. Do I matter to you? If you believe this, in both your heart and your mind, your brain can interpret those pains generously. It can recognize your partner’s imperfections and forgive them, knowing they’re trying their best. These moments can then offer opportunities for growth and connection, allowing you to engage in meaningful conversations. These conversations lead you to believe in one another more and change your behaviors to serve the relationship better.
You might not believe you matter to your partner. If that’s the case, these moments instead prove dangerous. You ask yourself, “Do I matter to you?” and feel unsure. Maybe you can rationalize that your partner must care. You might try to put their behavior in the best possible light, but you don’t really believe it. If that’s the case, it’s time for couples counseling.
Emotionally Focused Therapy offers ways to change emotional truths. You need to believe you matter to your partner. Beliefs don’t change quickly or easily, however, often requiring intense conversations and powerful moments of connection. My training teaches me to reach these moments, giving you and your partner the opportunity to start believing you matter to one another. Without this belief, no amount of work or conversation will make for a happy relationship. You can always find things your partner did wrong.
Marriage counseling helps you find hope by learning to believe you matter.