Emotions run deeper than the surface. It helps to think of emotions in two forms – primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions come from our immediate, most powerful needs – to be loved, safe, and empowered. Secondary emotions also serve an important purpose – keep our primary emotions safe.
Usually, we convey our secondary emotions to one another. This means instead of being sad, I might feel resentful. Instead of feeling hurt, I may feel angry. Instead of feeling lonely, I feel hopeless. Even though I might look like a resentful, angry, hopeless man, however, the sadness, hurt, and loneliness are still there, just harder for others to see.
Unfortunately, marriages often fall into patterns involving only the secondary emotions. As soon as I see criticism, I get defensive – it’s much easier than feeling worried or sad. In response, my partner starts to see this defensiveness coming and doesn’t know I’m feeling worried and sad at the same time, so they ramp up their criticism to get a reaction. You can see where this goes.
Therapy for married couples, then, focuses on helping partners access their primary emotions. It takes a lot of work, but sitting with our feelings can give us a chance to relax our secondary emotions, letting our primary emotions start to come out. Marriage counseling, then, focuses on helping partners express their primary emotions to one another and start to see that softer side.
Marriages that only share secondary emotions don’t succeed. Both partners feel lonely and isolated, like talking never really gives them the chance to say how they really feel. Marriage counseling gives you the space to communicate these needs and desires in session, then learn skills to communicate them at home.
I offer marriage counseling services here in Minnesota, focusing on helping men start to express themselves to their partners. Opening up can feel very difficult, with a lot of potential judgement to work through in order to show any vulnerability. Learning to do so, however, can help your marriage find hope.