We actually have an objective answer to this. Affective neuroscience tells us we have two routes to fulfillment:
First, we can pursue meaningful activities. Alternatively, we can meaningfully connect with others.
Last week, we talked about autopilot and the nature of avoiding our pain. All of us have pain – our imperfect nature guarantees it. Facebook scrolling and other mindless activities offer us a meaningless way to avoid this pain – sacrifice of our mindfulness and attention. As mentioned before, this is a tempting route – life isn’t easy and forgetting that for a few hours makes a lot of sense.
Alternatively, some activities better mesh with who we want to be. Perhaps changing the oil on my car makes me feel Productive. Maybe cleaning the house satisfies my need for Progress. Reading a book might push me toward Growth. Countless tasks and activities offer us opportunities to feel not just happy, but fulfilled.
Our other route to fulfillment – meaningful connection with others – proves more complicated. I’m not talking about small talk or just co-existing with someone; these forms of connection often leave both partners feeling lonely and unfulfilled, as if something is missing and they aren’t quite sure what.
Meaningful connection requires opening up to others, embracing some level of vulnerability in order to engage on a deep level with someone we cherish. Unfortunately, our pain can often keep us from feeling safe enough to engage in this way, telling us to keep up our walls and hide rather than risk letting someone hurt us. Further complicating this, our brains start to change physically as we develop habits, making it even harder to open up to others later in life.
For many of us, our pain has walled off one path to meaning. With walls too thick to allow us to connect with others, we retreat within ourselves, looking for other ways to find fulfillment. This might mean hiding from thought and focus with mindless activities or it might mean exclusively using meaningful activities to satisfy our need for fulfillment. While this may work in the short term, it ultimately leads to feeling isolated and alone and, for those in a relationship, partners who also feel isolated and alone.
To work on both these paths to fulfillment, we must consider our values. I cannot pursue meaningful activities or connect with others if I don’t understand myself and what matters to me. This reflection can be painful and may lead us back into mindless activities in order to hide from the pain of reflection, thus reinforcing the pattern and the walls.
In therapy, the safe, judgement-free environment offers a space to let down these walls. At first, this means trusting the therapist to create a safe environment despite the difficulty in expressing what matters; over time, however, our brains begin to change as we practice new ways of being.
With time and trust, we can find a door in even the thickest walls.