Imagine you could look at a 6 month old and determine how they interact with others for the rest of their life. What would that mean? What would it say about the importance of those first few months and our ability to change in general? In order to answer these questions, we need to learn about Attachment Theory.
These 6 month olds – and later their teenage counterparts – each fell into one of four categories. Anxious, Avoidant, Secure, and Disorganized. The last of these is beyond the scope of this blog and much less common than the other three, so I won’t be touching on that attachment type in this blog post. Knowing the different attachment styles does a number of things for us. First, it can help you understand how your childhood continues to impact you as an adult. Second, attachment theory guides child-rearing, giving us concrete ways to lead our children toward secure attachment. Finally, knowing your attachment style gives you a few helpful hints about thoughts and feelings you might entertain over your lifetime.
Attachment Styles
Anxious Attachment
John Bowlby founded attachment theory with his research on 6 month olds and their mothers. After being introduced to a new environment and toys, the researcher pulled the child’s mother out of the room and studied how well they handled their newfound isolation. The first of these groups, the anxiously attached children, became distraught after their mothers left the room. Essentially, they panicked, crying and screaming as they looked for their mothers. Surprisingly, these children did not immediately feel better upon their mothers’ return, remaining upset despite the attention they received. These children live in an inconsistent world. They don’t know if their parents would meet their needs or not, forcing them to cry frequently and readily upon any perceived abandonment. Even when the parents return, these children don’t know for certain their parents will stay. How do I know you won’t leave me again?
As adults, Anxiously Attached individuals tend to be our Pursuers. They fight for the relationship because they watch so closely for any signs of disconnection. When they find any of these signs, they push – and they push hard. They don’t know if their partner will respond well to their bids for connection and, even if their partner does seem open, cannot feel certain their needs will continue to be met. These individuals tend to feel they have little ability to impact the relationship, using words such as “helpless” and “rejected” to describe their hurts. They rely upon their partners to meet their needs, but don’t trust their partners to continue meeting their needs once they start to feel important. In return, these same individuals tend to report needing to feel “appreciated” and “accepted.” They need to know their actions can actually have an impact on their partners and their own happiness.
Avoidant Attachment
Some of the children in Bowlby’s study didn’t care when their parents left. A child’s mother leaves the room and the kid continues playing as though nothing had changed. The parent returned, but the kid barely acknowledged them. These children seemed ambivalent to their mother’s presence, feeling they needed to meet their own needs even at 6 months old. Even if you’re here, how can I know you care?
As adults, Avoidantly Attached individuals tend to be our Withdrawers. They often look apathetic to their partners bids for attention, keeping to themselves no matter how hard their partner pushes for connection. This doesn’t mean they don’t care. To the contrary, these individuals often worry they can only make things worse by talking about their wants and needs. If my partner likely doesn’t care about my experience, how can it possibly help for me to tell them about it? And, if it won’t help, how likely is it to make things worse? At that point, our withdrawer likely feels they have no good options, looking shutdown and quiet in the face of their desperate partner.
These individuals tend to worry they’re “disappointing” and “alone.” Any time they try, they just let their partner down. So it’s best just to stay shutdown. Likewise, they report wanting to feel “valuable” and “loveable.” While our pursuers worry they can’t get their partners to listen, our withdrawers worry there is something wrong with them. I need to keep to myself because it’s the only way I can keep my partner from seeing how broken I am.
Secure Attachment and How to Get There
Securely Attached individuals feel confident their partner will meet their needs and care about their experience. This provides them a secure foundation to try new things and new ways of being, knowing their partner will support them through successes and failures alike. These individuals know they deserve love and respect. They leave toxic relationships quickly, looking for a partner who can meet their needs lovingly. In essence, these people know who they are and how they want others to treat them. But how do we get there?
Attachment researchers used to think you couldn’t get here. If your early childhood taught you to be anxious or avoidant, that was it. You were doomed to a life of pushing for a connection you couldn’t trust or not trusting yourself to push for connection. Therapy could help you cope with these pains, but couldn’t make any actual impact on your attachment style. In the last decade, however, we’ve changed this position. Our work on neuro-plasticity – the ways the brain changes through experience – show us ways to push clients toward secure attachment.
This may be possible alone, but certainly much easier with a partner to help shape your new attachment style. In individual therapy, your therapist serves as your new attachment figure, giving you a safe foundation to express yourself and experiment with new ways of being. In couple therapy, however, you can practice these skills in real time with your partner. We call these “Corrective Emotional Experiences,” moments where your partner responds well to your vulnerable emotions. Anxious partners, our pursuers, tend to need to know their partner is listening. Avoidant partners, our withdrawers, need to know their partner cares. Only when both partners feel supported in disclosing to one another their vulnerable feelings can we create a supportive, loving relationship that helps push both partners toward secure attachment.